My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Come share oat with me in your robe
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
