I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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