I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
