How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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