I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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