I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
