Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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