I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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