I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
