I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
