So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
