Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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