I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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