I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
