got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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