DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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