When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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