1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
