I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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