i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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