# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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