Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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