A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
