i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
