y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
