Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
