that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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