those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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