I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
