on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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