im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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