We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
