you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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