it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
