Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
