Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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