"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
