someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
two words...techno handjob
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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