The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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