We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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