I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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