She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
