i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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