Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
