dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
