i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
where are my eyebrows?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
