I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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