you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm always down for nudity.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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