His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
