My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
