cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Acid is not a monday night drug
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.