Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
