This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
