did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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