well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
