don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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