Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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