Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
