Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
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You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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