false alarm. still invincible.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
