After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
