ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
