so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
