you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
