You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
