is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
